The Figgis Agency Moves On Up
by Red Witch
Summary: The Figgis Agency schemes to get higher ratings for their agency. And they are willing to do anything to get them. Even do an honest day's work.


**Krieger did something with the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. Just more fun and madness as I imagine that…**

**The Figgis Agency Moves On Up **

"Okay gang gather round," Krieger called out to the Figgis Agency as he sat at his laptop in the bullpen.

"Now **Krieger **is calling meetings?" Cyril groaned. "Why not?"

"It could be worse," Ray pointed out. "It could be Milton."

"He's still preoccupied with his mail robot girlfriend," Pam told them. "What's goin' on, Clone-O-Tron?"

"I decided to do some checking on our competition," Krieger explained. "First of all, thanks to shall we say, certain events…The number of private investigator firms and businesses in Los Angeles has plummeted from almost thirty to twenty-three."

"Long Water?" Cyril sighed.

"In most cases," Krieger said. "One was dissolved when the head of the agency was arrested for embezzlement and blackmail."

"That could be your future Cyril," Ray quipped.

"You know…?" Cyril looked.

"Wait there are now **twenty-three** detective agencies in LA?" Lana spoke up.

"Including us yes," Krieger nodded. "They're all ranked in order on the Detective Business Rating Board."

"Are we on that board?" Cyril asked.

"Well the Figgis Agency is on it," Krieger sighed. "And it's not exactly good."

"What do you mean by not exactly good?" Lana asked. "You mean it's not good?"

"Exactly," Krieger sighed. "According to the ranking we're only 22 out of 23."

"Who's 23?" Ray asked.

"Remember that Stonefield guy?" Krieger asked. "The one our toaster killed?"

"I withdraw the question," Ray sighed.

"To be fair it seems like a lot of people still think he's alive," Krieger remarked. "That he took their money and ran with it. But he's the only one with no stars so…"

"Stars?" Pam asked. "How many do we have?"

Krieger told her. "The Figgis Agency only has one star. And that's only because I wrote a couple of positive reviews under a few assumed names."

"We have reviews too?" Ray asked. "From who?"

"We actually had clients that are **still alive**?" Cheryl giggled.

"Besides **you?**" Pam looked at Cheryl. "That is actually a good question."

"Well…" Krieger sighed. "There's Mrs. Merkins and some of Ms. Archer's former associates from HOOF."

"Still mad about the riot and the stolen money huh?" Pam asked.

Krieger went on. "The Zizzners who left a scathing review…"

"Ouch…" Ray winced. "Hang on! They were trying to trick us into a porn rip-off scheme!"

"They didn't mention **that part** in the review," Krieger said. "Also, it seems that some of Cheryl's friends we ran into left reviews."

"Jealous bitches," Cheryl sniffed.

"You burned down one of their lawns," Lana pointed out.

"So?" Cheryl asked.

"Moving on…" Krieger sighed. "We also have some reviews from that lady at the Business Expo."

"The one we trashed," Cyril groaned. "I see where this is going."

"Yeah," Ray quipped. "The unemployment office."

"Are there any **positive reviews?"** Lana asked. "From actual clients?"

"Ellis Crane's agent left a nice one," Krieger pointed. "He ended it with if you want crazy and drama these are your people."

"So that's a no," Cyril groaned. "Great…How are we going to fix this?"

"We could actually work hard," Lana said. "Build up a reputation of honesty and integrity."

"_Seriously?"_ Ray asked.

"I know," Lana sighed. "Even as I was saying it I knew that wasn't going to happen."

"I can only put so many fake reviews on the website," Krieger said. "I got us one star!"

"No one's saying we don't appreciate that Krieger," Lana said.

"Which we do," Cyril added. "But we do need to think of a way to get our ratings up. Sites like this can make or break an agency."

"Some would argue this agency has been broken for **years,**" Ray quipped. "But I see what you mean."

"Well…" Cheryl paused. "We could always do what we did with the guy our toaster killed. Get rid of the competition. Only you know? On purpose."

"We are **not **murdering everyone ahead of us on the list!" Cyril snapped.

"Obviously we can't murder **all** of them!" Cheryl rolled her eyes. "We just have to be a little more creative."

"We're not burning down any of those agencies either," Lana looked at Cheryl.

"Fine!" Cheryl groaned. "Let me see that list. Oh, here we go. Number 21 with two stars. The Burkes and Law Detective Agency…Let me do some research on that."

Cheryl went out of the room. "The meeting isn't over yet," Krieger called out.

"Oh, let her go," Cyril waved. "It will be faster with her gone anyway. Anyone have any plausible ideas how to fix our rating?"

"All I know is whatever job we have next we really need to knock it out of the park," Ray admitted. "No matter what it is!"

"He's right," Cyril said. "I don't care what comes our way next! Kidnapping, blackmail…Even a lost cat! We have to work that case like we've **never done before**! Competently!"

"Good luck with that," Pam groaned. "First we have to get a case!"

"If this was a movie or a TV show a case would just simply walk into the door right about…" Ray paused. "Now!"

Everyone looked at the door. "Yeah, something tells me **that's** not going to happen," Ray said sarcastically. "What do we do?"

"We need to get a case to solve it competently even though no one will hire us," Cyril thought. "How do we do **that?"**

Pam thought. "We could find some unsolved case and solve it. You know? Like a cold case."

"That's not a bad idea Pam," Lana realized. "There are thousands of cases that go unsolved every year."

"Let's just make sure it's not one of the crimes we committed," Cyril moaned.

"Too bad," Krieger said. "They'd be easy to solve."

Three hours later…

"Any luck?" Cyril asked as he brought in some boxes full of lunch into the bullpen.

"Yes," Lana groaned as she pulled away from her laptop. "All bad."

"There are like millions of unsolved cases here," Pam groaned. "Missing persons alone is half of it. God so many kids."

"Ironically Stonefield isn't one of them," Krieger remarked. "I guess nobody misses the guy. I think even the people he owes money too have given up."

"How did you…?" Cyril asked.

"Krieger wrote a program cross checking the number of unsolved cases in the news," Ray sighed. "I mean there are plenty of unsolved cases but…"

"But none of us has a clue where to start with any of them," Lana finished.

"Speaking of not having a clue," Cyril put the boxes down. "Where's Cheryl?"

"She went out," Pam waved. "Honestly it's been a lot quieter since she left."

"I think I found something," Krieger realized. "Listen to this…Jodene Sparks. Wanted for embezzlement, wire fraud and mail fraud. A ten-thousand-dollar reward."

"Yeah," Pam looked at the picture of the man. "There's a bounty on that guy's head. So what?"

"Because I know that guy," Krieger said. "He owes me money."

"For **what**?" Ray asked. "Or are we better off not knowing?"

"Yeah," Krieger nodded. "Anyway, I know where he's staying. He said he was going to pay me tonight. But a lot of times he never does."

"So you're saying," Cyril realized. "You know where a fugitive from justice is. And if we capture him and get the bounty…"

"Not only will our agency get the money," Lana realized. "We can earn hours towards our detective's licenses."

"And it might help the reputation of our agency!" Cyril realized.

"What the hell are we waiting for?" Pam asked. "Let's go do some bounty hunting! Poovey style!"

"What's Poovey style?" Ray asked.

"Well it involves a lot of duct tape," Pam said. "And a box of condoms."

"I've got both!" Krieger said cheerfully.

"I think we'll just stick with the duct tape for now Krieger," Lana sighed.

"Are you sure?" Krieger asked. "Because it doesn't hurt to be prepared."

"Let's just go," Lana sighed. "To where you think Sparks is Krieger!"

"Oh, I was going to ask that," Krieger nodded.

"But what if Cheryl comes back?" Pam asked.

"We'll leave a note and a glass of water," Lana said. "Come on!"

About twenty-five minutes later at a relatively nice hotel…

"What do you mean Sparks isn't here?" Lana asked the hotel clerk.

"I mean he's not here," The male hotel clerk said. "He's checked out. Left the premises. He isn't residing in this hotel. He is no longer in the building…"

"I didn't mean **literally**," Lana snapped.

"Oh, I thought that was weird why you asked that," The clerk said. "Sorry he checked out this morning."

"I had an appointment with him!" Krieger said.

"Are you Mr. Krieger?" The clerk asked.

"Dr. Krieger actually," Krieger said.

"Technically…" Cyril began.

"Quiet game Cyril!" Ray said.

"He left a note for you," The hotel clerk handed it to Krieger.

Krieger read the note. _"Krieger, things are getting a little hairy. I think I'm being followed. Meet me at you know where. Bring the you know what. Sincerely, You Know Who. Wait, you know it's me Sparks. Why did I write that? Never mind. Just meet me you know where. Signed You Know…Damn it, I did it __**again**__!" _

"He actually wrote **all that** out?" Pam asked. "Is he related to the Tunts?"

"Not that I know of," Krieger shrugged. "Good news, is that I know where he is."

"Oh good," The hotel clerk said. "Could you tell me too? Mr. Spark's check just bounced."

"That's Sparks all right," Krieger sighed.

"So where is he Krieger?" Ray asked.

"He's probably at the La Hacienda Hotel on the other side of town," Krieger said.

"You mean we gotta track your buddy on the lam down at a seedy hotel on the other side of town?" Pam asked. "Ooh! Now this is some **real detective** work!"

"Calm down Pam Spade," Krieger said. "It's not like that."

Thirty minutes later the Figgis Agency was walking through a beautiful lobby in an expensive hotel. "Holy crystal balls!" Pam whistled.

"This is a nice hotel," Ray remarked.

"Yeah this area has undergone some urban renewal and gentrification in the past three years," Krieger shrugged. "The La Hacienda Hotel has been bought by some high-powered casino mogul who is expanding his empire to include fancy hotels."

"Now you're sure that Sparks is **here**?" Cyril asked.

"Probably," Krieger shrugged.

"HE'S GONE!" Someone shouted. "That bastard skipped out without paying his bill!"

"Then again," Krieger sighed. "Probably not."

"I don't freaking believe this!" A man in a suit was shouting at some clerks. "This is a high-class hotel damn it and when people sleep and cheat it just makes my blood boil!"

"Excuse me," Lana said as they walked up to the man. "Are you talking about Jodene Sparks?"

"Who wants to know?" The man in the suit asked.

"I'm Cyril Figgis of the Figgis Detective Agency," Cyril said. "These are my associates. We're looking for Mr. Sparks."

"He does this a lot," Krieger explained.

"Thanks for the warning," The man grumbled. "I'm sorry. This isn't your fault. I'm Augustus St. Augustus. The manager of this hotel. And yes, I am aware of how redundant my name is. My parents had a very stupid sense of humor. Right now I'm more upset about this guy slept and screwed me!"

"Sparks is a wanted fugitive we're trying to track down," Lana explained.

"I **knew **there was something about that guy I didn't trust," St. Augustus grumbled. "I should have known that check would bounce!"

"Do you have any idea where he went?" Lana asked.

"If I did I wouldn't be standing here **screaming**, would I?" St. Augustus snapped. "Sorry, sorry. This isn't your fault. I'm sorry I lost my temper. I'm trying to quit cigarettes."

"Oh yeah," Ray nodded. "That's a bitch."

"Can we check his room?" Lana asked. "Maybe he left a clue?"

"Might as well," St. Augustus grumbled. "But I don't think you'll find anything."

Ten minutes later…

"I found something!" Pam whooped as she came out of the bathroom holding some stuff. "These kick ass toiletries!"

"I found a nice robe," Ray pointed to the closet.

"I found some bedsheets," Krieger pointed. "Barely used!"

"No! No! No!" Cyril snapped.

"What?" Pam asked.

"Have you idiots forgotten we're trying to become a **respectable detective agency**?" Lana snapped.

"So?" Krieger asked.

"Respectable detective agencies don't steal from hotels!" Lana snapped.

"But we can take the toiletries, right?" Pam asked. "They're not even used."

"Put them back!" Lana ordered.

"But they're free anyway," Pam protested.

"Put it back!" Lana snapped.

"Aw man," Pam grumbled as she put them away.

"You can steal from hotels on your **own time!"** Cyril snapped. "Krieger think, where else would Sparks go?"

"Well there is this one place Sparks likes to go when he's in LA," Krieger realized. "We could try there."

"And where would **that** be?" Ray asked.

Twenty-five more minutes later on the outskirts of LA…

"_A geisha house_?" Lana was stunned when she saw the beautiful Japanese style building and gardens. "LA has an actual **geisha house**?"

"And why the hell is this the **first time** _we're _hearing about it?" Ray glared at Krieger.

"Yeah, what the hell Krieger?" Pam snapped.

"Seriously," Cyril glared at Krieger.

"_Seriously?"_ Lana glared at Cyril.

"What?" Cyril snapped back. "Can't a man appreciate cultural diversity?"

"Yeah Lana!" Pam snapped.

"Ugh, let's just check this out," Lana sighed.

"I know his usual room number," Krieger said. "He has a room that he time shares with…other people."

"Are you one of them?" Ray glared at Krieger.

Krieger coughed. "Maybe…?"

"Oh, for the love of…" Ray fumed.

"Gee you think you know a guy," Pam remarked.

"You are so taking us on a tour when your time share comes around!" Cyril snapped.

"I am so going to look for a different job when we're done with this," Lana groaned as they went in.

Soon they were looking inside the room. "Not only has he **not** been here," Lana sighed. "It looks like somebody hasn't been in this room for at least a week."

"Damn it," Cyril said. "Another dead end."

"This is so boring," Pam groaned.

"FREEZE!"

They turned around and saw two people in leather holding guns at them at the door. "Is this exciting enough for you?" Ray snapped.

One of them was a woman in leather with a red bustier and braids in her long blond hair. "I don't think these are the people we want."

"You ain't Sparks," The man said. He had spiked blond hair in a mullet, black sunglasses, a goatee and spiked boots.

"No, we're looking for him," Cyril said.

"You bounty hunters too?" The woman asked as they put their guns down.

"No, we're a detective agency," Lana explained.

"The Figgis Detective Agency," Cyril introduced.

"I'm Billy Bob Burns and this is my wife Delilah," The man introduced. "We're the owners of Burns Bounty Hunters. Sorry about pulling a gun on you."

"No problem," Pam waved. "Happens all the time to us. Practically every other week now that I think about it."

"Let me guess," Lana sighed. "You're hunting Sparks for the bounty too huh?"

"More of a favor to a friend of ours in the hotel industry," Billy Bob admitted. "You guys?"

"The bounty obviously but we could use a boost to our reputation," Cyril sighed.

"Figgis Agency…" Billy Bob realized. "Hang on…Weren't you guys involved in that Long Water thing?"

"Unfortunately," Lana groaned.

"And you're the same idiots that let yourselves get tricked by those perverts the Zizzners," Delilah realized.

"How were we supposed to know they were hiring us for their twisted sex games?" Cyril snapped.

"Dude every detective agency in **town **knows about the Zizzners," Billy Bob said. "Why do you think they're blacklisted?"

"They're **blacklisted**?" Cyril was stunned. "When was **this?"**

"For like I dunno," Billy Bob said sarcastically. "**Years!" **

"Since the first Sharknoid movie actually," Delilah remarked.

"That is a long time," Pam realized.

"That explains why they hired us," Ray realized. "We had no clue! Ironic for a detective agency I know."

"Well not this particular detective agency," Pam admitted.

"Warnings about the Zizzners have been on the Detective Business Rating Board for years," Delilah said.

"Where?" Krieger asked.

"On the Internet," Delilah said a little patronizingly.

"Not where the site is," Krieger told her. "Where on the Detective Business Rating Board?"

"Ohhh," Delilah said. "That makes **much more** sense. You know when you go to your settings account? Go to profiles, then go to ratings then go to…"

"Delilah this is a bounty hunt!" Billy Bob snapped. "Not a god damn computer class!"

"Okay how about this," Lana sighed. "We all want to hunt Sparks down. How about we join forces and split the bounty and the credit? Because honestly none of us are getting anywhere on this on our own."

"I'm okay with that," Billy Bob shrugged. "Ms.…"

"Lana Kane," Lana introduced herself.

"I'm Cyril Figgis," Cyril said proudly. "Head of the Figgis Agency and lead detective."

"As he always keeps reminding us," Ray rolled his eyes.

"That's Pam Poovey," Cyril introduced. "Ray Gillette and Krieger."

"Hang on," Billy Bob did a double take. "You're Krieger!"

"Maybe he's the same Krieger on that note?" Delilah asked.

"What note?" Lana asked.

"The one Sparks left back at the La Hacienda Hotel," Billy Bob pulled out a note. "He skedaddled before we could catch him. We found this note."

Krieger took the note and read it aloud. "_Krieger. Sorry about leaving you another note. I'm not really a big note person as you know. But I think whoever is following me found me again. Damn it, this is really getting annoying. Okay. Meet me at the __**other-other**__ place you know about. Not the Geisha House. That's too obvious. Just be careful to not be followed. Signed You Know Who." _

"_Damn it. I did it __**again!**__ I keep forgetting not to do that. Makes me sound like Lord Voldemort. Sorry. Sparks. But you already know that. Damn it! Why am I writing __**this**__ down?" _

"We only went here because we thought it was a long shot," Delilah explained.

"I know where he's going," Krieger said.

"Where?" Lana asked.

Another thirty minutes later…

"Lance's Laser Tag Extravaganza?" Lana asked as the group went inside the building.

"I know this place," Billy Bob remarked. "It's one of the biggest laser tag places in the state. And it has a great all you can eat buffet for cheap!"

"WHAT?" Pam snapped.

"We had one of our wedding anniversaries here," Delilah nodded. "They have a really good sundae bar."

"WHAT?" Pam shouted glaring at Krieger.

"And my cousin goes to the monthly Gay Pride Laser Fights here too," Billy Bob added. "Lot of hookups go on."

"_WHAT?"_ Ray screamed glaring at Krieger.

"Krieger," Pam's voice was deadly serious. "You and I are going to have a **serious talk** about things we **should **know."

"Me too," Ray glared at Krieger.

"So Sparks likes laser tag?" Cyril asked. "Interesting."

"He doesn't exactly play laser tag," Krieger explained. "He's too lazy for that. He likes to watch and bet on the matches. Let's go to his private locker in the viewing area."

"He has a locker here?" Lana asked.

"I know the combination," Krieger said.

"Of course, you do," Lana sighed. "Do I want to know _why?_"

"It might be better legally if you didn't," Krieger admitted as they went to the lockers. He found Spark's locker. "Found it!"

"Freeze!" Two men in suits ran up to them pointing guns at them. One had blond hair and the other had brown hair.

"Your days of running are over Sparks!" The blond-haired man snapped.

"Here we go again," Ray quipped.

"That's not Sparks idiot," The other man snapped. "Sparks doesn't have a beard!"

"He could have grown one," The first man said.

"Not that big in like two days!" The second man snapped.

"Calm down guys," Billy Bob groaned. "They're with us!"

"Oh, hey Billy Bob," The blond man put down his gun. "Didn't see you there."

"Who are **you** guys?" Lana groaned.

"I'm Detective Frank Carey," The brown-haired man said. "And this is my partner Larry Stacy. We're from the Fillmore Detective Agency."

"And you're tracking down Sparks too," Ray groaned. "Jesus what did he do to have this many people after him?"

"His ex-girlfriend hired our agency because he stole ten thousand dollars from her," Carey explained. "And her car."

"Now we have more people going after the reward!" Cyril threw up his hands. "Great! Just great!"

"Cyril the reward is moot anyway," Lana said. "This was mostly about the reputation."

"Yeah but we could use every penny we can get!" Cyril snapped.

"Since when are you a penny pincher?" Pam snapped.

"Since you've been eating us out of the office with your bear claw addiction!" Cyril snapped.

"Hey!" Pam snapped. "I don't have a bear claw addiction! I have a sweet tooth!"

"You have a whole mouth full of them!" Ray chuckled.

"Watch it Ray Gonna Get A Shine-Ola!" Pam made a fist. "Besides you're one to talk with your drinking!"

"You drink too!" Cyril snapped at Pam.

"Not as much as Ms. Archer," Pam defended. "Or Archer…"

"She's barely in the office and you know it!" Cyril snapped.

"And when she is," Ray said. "She's usually pretty plastered."

"So are the rest of you!" Lana snapped.

"Oh, look at Ms. High And Mighty over here!" Cyril snapped. "I am getting so sick of your attitude!"

"YEAH!" Pam and Krieger snapped.

"What did I do?" Lana snapped.

"Besides constantly criticizing **everything?**" Cyril asked. **"Nothing!"**

"How **dare you**?" Lana snapped. "If wasn't for me, this joke of an agency would have burned to the ground a long time ago!"

"Really?" Ray snapped. "I haven't seen **you** following Cheryl around with a fire extinguisher lately!"

"I've been busy with Mallory and my daughter and you **know **it!" Lana snapped.

"Oh my God!" Cyril groaned. "How long are you going to milk **that excuse**?"

"I don't know Cyril," Lana glared at him. "How long are you going to milk the pathetic excuse of having a **sex addiction**?"

"That is a real medical condition and you **know it!"** Cyril shouted.

"Excuse me…" Delilah began.

"And **you **of all people shouldn't make fun of it!" Cyril added.

"What do you mean by **that**?" Lana snapped.

"He means you're so addicted to Archer's dick you should be in a 12-step program," Pam explained.

Delilah tried again. "Excuse me…"

"That is _completely different_!" Lana snapped.

"I agree," Krieger said. "At least Cyril **admits** he has a problem. You're just straight into denial."

"YEAH!" Cyril snapped.

"What do you people know about relationships?" Lana snapped defensively.

"We know stupid when we see it!" Pam snapped.

"Really?" Lana shot back. "You don't recognize it in the mirror!"

"At least when I look in the mirror, I don't see a crazy bitch so obsessed with her ex she steals his sperm!" Pam snapped.

"She did _what now_?" Stacy did a double take.

"She has a point," Krieger nodded. "Even Cheryl's not **that crazy**."

"And that is a high bar to beat," Cyril nodded.

"You people don't know **anything**!" Lana snapped.

"Lana look," Ray sighed. "I know you and Archer have been through everything together but…You're like fire and nitroglycerin. There is no way the two of you can have a stable relationship."

"Yeah look where your relationship has brought you to," Cyril pointed out. "Don't forget this is the man who had you arrested for murder as a joke!"

"He did what **now?**" Carey did a double take.

"Now listen here!" Lana pointed. "The day I take relationship advice from Cyril Figgis…"

Then Delilah made a loud whistle. "EXCUSE ME! CAN WE PLEASE GET BACK TO TRACKING DOWN SPARKS?"

"The reason we all came here," Stacy added sarcastically.

"Oh right," Pam blinked. "I forgot we were doing that."

"Me too," Krieger admitted.

"No wonder this group is 22 out of 23," Billy Bob said to his wife.

"22 out of 23?" Stacy asked. "Is that the Figgis Agency?"

"You've heard of us?" Lana asked.

"Uh yeah," Carey snapped. "Everybody on the detective scene in LA knows about you after you screwed up Long Water, got tricked by the Zizzners…"

"And that mess you made at the LA Business Convention," Stacy finished.

"That was **them?**" Delilah did a double take.

"Yup," Carey said. "Billy what the hell are you doing with these losers?"

"HEY!" The Figgis Agency snapped.

"Krieger over here is a friend of Sparks," Billy Bob explained. "And our only lead."

"**This **is the only lead on Sparks?" Stacy groaned as he looked at Krieger. "Great."

"You know…" Krieger began.

"Krieger you said you knew the combination," Lana decided to press on.

"Yeah," Krieger blinked.

"Can you open the locker?" Lana asked.

"Of course, I can," Krieger said.

"Can you do it **now**?" Lana sighed.

"Oh, you want me to…" Krieger realized. "Yup, yup, yup!"

"Unbelievable," Carey groaned as Krieger went to work.

"I'm **surprised **these guys are 22," Stacy said to his partner. "I think even Stonefield is smarter than these morons."

"Not as much as you'd think," Ray muttered under his breath.

"What?" Stacy asked.

"I said I could go for a drink," Ray covered.

"You're not the only one," Pam groaned.

"Found a note!" Krieger said as he pulled a note out of the locker.

"Just what we need," Cyril groaned. "Another note!"

"This is starting to become a running gag," Ray remarked.

"Ray," Pam looked at him. "Nearly **all** our assignments end up as some kind of running gag."

"Oh, dear God they do," Ray groaned in realization.

Krieger read the note. _"Dear Krieger. As you have probably guessed by now, I'm not there. For pretty much the same reasons actually. Meet me at the other-other-__**other**__ place. Sparks. There. I didn't say you know…Damn it!" _

"How many places does this guy **have?**" Billy Bob asked.

"A lot," Krieger sighed. "You know for a guy who's habitually lazy, he has a lot of enemies."

"So Krieger…" Cyril sighed. "Where's this other-other-_other_ place?"

Sometime later…

"ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?" Cyril snapped as he looked at the sign for Happenings. "Are you seriously telling me that this guy was just a few blocks away from our office the **whole time?"**

"And in one of our hangouts none the less!" Ray was stunned.

"How's the food?" Stacy asked.

"Really good," Pam said. "Our friend owns the joint."

"Cheryl Tunt?" Carey asked.

"You **know** her?" Pam asked.

"Only by reputation," Stacy sighed. "Which isn't good."

"Preaching to the choir," Cyril sighed as they went in.

"I don't see him," Krieger looked around.

"Maybe he's in a booth in the back?" Pam asked. "Or in the john?"

"Or in the bar?" Lana suggested. "We should ask the bartender and see if Sparks came here."

"Or left another damn note," Pam groaned.

"Excuse me," A man with a salt pepper beard and wearing a brown suit walked up to them. "I couldn't help but overhear. Are you looking for Jodene Sparks?"

"Who wants to know?" Ray asked.

"I'm Mark Morrison," The man said. "Of Halliwell, Morrison and Morrison Detective Agency. We specialize in insurance fraud. Which Sparks is accused of."

"How many detective agencies **are there**?" Pam asked.

"Twenty-three!" Delilah snapped. "As we've told you at least **three times** by now!"

"I forgot! Okay?" Pam snapped.

"We tend to get sidetracked a lot," Cyril admitted.

"Really?" Stacy said sarcastically. "I hadn't noticed."

"Are you all some kind of law enforcement or…?" Morrison asked.

"Detective agency," Billy Bob pointed to the groups and then himself and his wife. "Detective agency. Bounty hunters."

"Wow," Morrison blinked. "This Sparks is a popular guy."

"For all the wrong reasons," Lana groaned. "Krieger let's check with the manager and the bartender to see if Sparks left a note."

"Oh…" Morrison said sheepishly. "You're Krieger? I uh…" He took out a note. "Pretended to be you and kind of read the note."

"Of course there's a note," Billy Bob groaned.

"Why would they give it to **you?**" Ray asked. "I mean how do they not know who Krieger is?"

"Yeah we only hang out here like practically every day," Krieger said.

"They did hire new people after the fire so…" Pam rationalized.

"I was trying to figure out where Sparks went but this note made absolutely no sense," Morrison gave the note to Krieger.

Krieger read the note. "_Krieger. This is You Know Who. I'm not writing my name this time in case someone intercepts the note."_

"I admit **that part** made sense," Morrison shrugged.

Krieger kept reading. _"I __**know**__ I'm being followed this time. If I don't make it to the other-other-other__**-other**__ place then I will have to go with Plan N. I'm in more trouble than I realized. Especially if all those hotels figure out I gave them bad checks. Remember, I'm at the other-other-other-__**other **__place. Not those other places. Unless I go with Plan N. Which is looking very likely. I don't want to do Plan N but it may be the most viable option."_

"_By the way do I owe you money or do you owe __**me **__money? I forgot. Just meet up with me. You Know Who. Wait, why am I __**still**__ writing You Know Who? I told the manager my name and your name. You know who this is. And if anyone intercepts this note they know who this is. Forget it. You know it's Sparks. Just…Sparks." _

"So where is this other-other-other-**other **place?" Lana asked in an annoyed tone.

"The Hi-O-Wai-Oh Grill," Krieger said. "It's this Hawaiian Japanese Southern Barbecue fusion bar."

"Again Krieger," Pam looked at him. "We need to **talk**!"

"The Hi-O-Wai-Oh?" Billy Bob was stunned. "That's on the other side of town!"

"I'm aware of that. You know for a guy who doesn't even like to walk," Krieger mused. "Sparks sure gets around pretty fast."

"Excuse me," A woman with short black hair wearing a gray pantsuit walked in. "Has anyone seen this man?" She held up a picture.

"Hey! That's Sparks!" Krieger said.

"Let me guess," Lana groaned. "You're with a detective agency or a bounty hunting agency too?"

"How did you know?" The woman asked.

"Lucky guess," Lana said sarcastically. "Which agency are _you _with?"

"Laura Ruby from Farmington Wood Detective Agency," The woman said.

"Burns Bounty Hunters," Billy Bob introduced and pointed. "Fillmore Detective Agency. Halliwell, Morrison and Morrison Detective Agency. And Figgis Detective Agency."

"**Figgis Agency?"** Ruby looked. "Aren't you those idiots that not only got involved with the Zissner and Long Water and wrecked the Business Expo…You run around with that train wreck Cheryl Tunt? AKA Cherlene?"

"Pretty much yeah," Cyril admitted.

"Cherlene?" Delilah asked. "As in that weird country music star that burned down that awards show? And a morning television show? And the host?"

"That's her," Ray admitted with a sigh.

"How did she not get arrested for that **last one**?" Morrison asked.

"She knows people," Lana sighed. "Unfortunately, we're among them."

"This has got to be the _stupidest assignment_ we have ever been on," Stacy groaned.

"Really?" Pam asked. "This isn't even in the top twenty for us."

"Excuse me," A blond man wearing a white suit walked in with an African American man in a grey suit. "I'm Detective Sprocket and this is my partner Detective Scrubs of the LA Ocean Detective Agency. We're looking for a man named Jodene Sparks. Has anyone seen him?"

"Okay," Pam sighed. "**Now **we're in the twenties."

"This has become a posse," Ray remarked.

Later at the Hi-O-Wai-Oh Bar and Grill…

"Oh yeah this won't be suspicious **at all**," Ray remarked as the group of people entered the bar. "A crowd of detectives and bounty hunters all show up at the same time in the same spot looking for the same guy."

"I don't see him," Krieger looked around the sparsely populated bar which was gaudily decorated with both Hawaiian and Japanese decorations. There were only two groups of people in the bar along with the waitresses and the bartender. A group of bikers at one table and a group of men wearing Hawaiian shirts at another.

Ray suggested. "Maybe he's not here yet?"

"Or in the john," Pam spoke up. "I volunteer to check!"

"NO!" Everyone from the Figgis Agency snapped.

"Maybe he left another note?" Cyril asked.

"No reward money is worth this," Ruby groaned.

"What makes you so sure **you're** going to get it?" Scrubs asked her.

"Who cares about the money?" Morrison said. "You can have it! As long as my agency gets the credit."

"You get the credit? Excuse me?" Ruby snapped. "I've been working on this case for three days!"

"So, what?" Morrison snapped. "I've been working on it for a week!"

"We've had it for two weeks!" Stacy snapped. "Okay we haven't worked hard on it because we've been solving a lot of other cases but still…"

"**We're** the ones who have been putting in the most legwork!" Pam pointed out. "And we have the guy who **knows** Sparks! And deciphered all the notes!"

"Yeah you wouldn't even **be here** if it wasn't for me!" Krieger snapped.

"So logically the Figgis Agency…" Cyril paused. "In conjunction with the Burns Bounty Hunting Agency…"

"Thank you," Billy Bob nodded.

"Gets the credit and half the bounty," Cyril added.

"We get the other half," Delilah added.

"You made an alliance with **these guys**?" Stacy snapped at the bounty hunters. "They're idiots!"

"Idiots who figured out Sparks trail before you!" Pam pointed out.

"Not quite!"

They turned and looked at a portly balding man in a Hawaiian shirt and shorts. "I'm Marlon Coppercross of Coppercross Detective Agency. And these are my associates."

He pointed to three men in similar Hawaiian Shirts. "We figured out where Sparks was going to be before any of you. So, you can all go. This collar is ours."

"After all **we've **been through today?" Pam snapped. "No way Doris Lei!"

"Doris… Oh I get it!" Krieger nodded. "He's wearing a Hawaiian shirt and Hawaiians use leis and it's a play on Doris Day."

"Eh you could do better," Carey shrugged.

"Everyone's a damn critic," Pam said.

"If you think the Farmington Wood Agency is going to lose **another **bounty to you," Ruby glared at Coppercross. "Think again! Besides we're the Number Fifteen Detective Agency in LA. And you're only 19!"

"We're moving up fast lady!" One of Coppercross' assistants snapped.

"Big whoop!" Stacy snapped. "Our agency is Number 14."

"My agency is Number 12," Morrison snapped.

"You only do insurance fraud!" Ruby snapped.

"Still counts!" Morrison snapped.

"Excuse me," Sprocket said. "But there's only one Detective Agency here in the top ten and that's ours!"

"Well whoop de freaking do!" Billy Bob snapped. "Our bounty hunting agency is Number Three on the Small Bounty Hunting Business in LA! And we just got the Friendliest Arrest award. If we're going by lists, we got **all **you beat."

"Yeah but you're working with the Figgis Agency," Carey spoke up. "And those guys are pretty much dead last! That's at least a ten-point deduction!"

"HEY!" The Figgis Agency snapped.

"These guys definitely don't count," Ruby agreed.

"No, we're just the ones who did all the work!" Lana snapped.

"Technically that was me," Krieger said.

"Exactly," Cyril snapped. "The Figgis Agency and the Burns Agency are the ones who are going to get Sparks! We've earned it!"

"If you think we're just going to let some idiots who are dead last on the detective's board get this bounty you're all nuts!" Coppercross snapped.

"**Second **to last!" Ray snapped.

"YEAH!" Pam agreed loudly.

"Only because that idiot Stonefield is somehow still on it," Ruby groaned.

"Yeah he's the only detective I know that's even more incompetent than you morons," Stacy agreed.

The Figgis Agency shared a quick look among themselves. "Never heard of him," Cyril said quickly.

"Big surprise," Ruby said. "NOT!"

"As in we're not letting you people get our collar!" Scrubs snapped.

"**Our **collar!" Stacy snapped at him.

"Not so fast!" A British voice was heard. A burly biker with a bald head and a beard stood up. "I'm afraid my organization trumps all you chaps."

"Who the hell are **you**?" Billy Bob asked.

The burly biker showed some identification and a badge along with his five companions. "Detective Nigel Whistlehorn the Third of Interpol. My team has been tracking Sparks for months for his crimes."

"What did Sparks do to piss you off?" Krieger asked.

"Well for starters he tried to create a terrorist organization bent on ruling the world," Nigel sniffed. "Calling himself The Overlord. But apparently he gave it up after a few weeks because it was too much work."

"Yeah that sounds like something Sparks would do," Krieger nodded.

"He not only refused to pay his henchmen," Nigel explained. "He failed to pay back taxes on the island he owned off the coast of Norway. Norwegians take back taxes very seriously."

"Ohh," Everyone else said.

"My point is," Nigel said. "That Interpol has first dibs on this chap. We are ahead of everyone. Especially you wankers from **The Figgis Agency**!"

"Why?" Billy Bob asked. "What did **they do?"**

"Half of Europe apparently," One of the Interpol agents quipped.

"These idiots were part of an illegal spy organization called ISIS that bungled pretty much every assignment for years," Nigel explained. "Not the **other ISIS** mind you. This one was the International Secret Intelligence Service."

"You mean the _Dumb ISIS_?" Scrubs spoke up.

"Yes," Nigel said. "That one."

"Are these the same morons that tried to smuggle cocaine **into** Columbia?" Detective Sprocket shouted.

"That was Archer's idea," Cyril gulped weakly.

"Hang on!" Lana spoke up. "Is there anybody here, that **isn't **part of a detective agency, police organization, bounty hunting agency or any kind of law enforcement whatsoever?"

Everyone looked around. Nobody said anything. "What about **you?**" Pam asked the bartender.

The Bartender showed his badge along with the waitresses and waiters. "Royal Canadian Mounties."

"WHAT?" Everyone shouted.

"We've been after Sparks for nearly a year now," The Bartender said. "For defrauding the great Canadian health care system. Sorry but we're ahead of all of you. Especially the Figgis Agency. Sorry but you lot are still technically banned from Canada!"

"Still mad about that huh?" Lana sighed. "That was technically Archer's fault."

"What did they do to **you?**" Billy Bob asked.

"I'm assuming this refers to the incident with the ocelot, the shootout with Nova Scotian terrorists and the train," Nigel asked.

"That and the ruckus Sterling Archer made at a casino," The Bartender snapped. "And the destruction of a payphone."

"Again, that's Archer," Cyril said. "Do you want to know what hospital room he's in so you can make a complaint?"

"The point is that we are going to get Sparks," The Bartender snapped.

"No, we are getting Sparks," Nigel snapped.

"No, we are!" Coppercross snapped.

"The hell you are!" Ruby snapped.

Krieger then heard a ping on his phone and looked at it. "**Nobody's** getting Sparks. I just got a text from him. He just turned himself in to the authorities at the Norwegian consulate."

"WHAT?" Everyone shouted.

"Why would he do that?" Cyril asked. "That doesn't make sense!"

"Are you **kidding?**" Nigel snapped. "Norway has some of the most progressive prisons in the world. They're basically three and a half star hotels you can't leave."

"And while he's there he'll be able to use their legal system to somehow get all the other charges against him dropped or reduced!" The Bartender snapped. "I've seen this happen so many times it's not funny!"

"Oh, **that's** his Plan N," Krieger nodded. "I wondered what that was."

"So much for your **master alliance**," Ruby glared at Delilah. "This is what happens when bounty hunters think they have a brain."

"You got a problem with us bitch?" Delilah snapped at her.

"Calm down," Morrison said. "There's no point in us fighting. No one's getting the bounty anyway."

"I needed that collar for my job!" Ruby shouted. "I could have had a promotion!"

"That was just a pipe dream anyway," Coppercross remarked.

"I'm warning you…" Ruby glared at Coppercross.

"Damn it!" The Bartender snapped. "We didn't come all this way to go back to Ontario empty handed! Okay fine! Figgis Agency, you're under arrest!"

"For **what?**" Lana snapped.

"For…Something! I don't know!" The Bartender snapped. "Odds are you did _something_!"

"You can't prove that and you know it!" Krieger snapped.

"Even we know you need actual charges to arrest us!" Pam agreed.

"Not as much as you would think," The Bartender shrugged.

"You can't just arrest them because you're pissed off!" Billy Bob snapped. "I mean they're obviously incompetent and stupid as hell…"

"Hey!" The Figgis Agency snapped.

Billy Bob went on. "But if we arrested everybody for **that,** there wouldn't be anyone in Washington DC!"

"And you guys don't even have the jurisdiction anyway," Stacy said. "Besides odds are their business will go into the toilet anyway so…"

"According to the odds these wankers shouldn't even be **alive **right now!" Nigel snapped. "Believe me I'd love to arrest them for **something **but since there's nothing on the books right now…"

"And we'd get first crack at them anyway," One of Interpol's men spoke up.

"Oh, let's not start **that again**!" Scrubs moaned.

It was then Pam had an idea. She moved back into the crowd and lowered her voice shouting. "Canada sucks!"

"WHO SAID THAT?" The Bartender snapped. Pam made herself visible and casually pointed to Carey without him seeing her. "RIGHT! I'm just in the mood to give you all a good pummeling!"

"Oh please," Nigel scoffed. "Who are **you** kidding?"

"That's it!" The Bartender snapped. "Get them!" The Mounties then charged and tackled the Interpol agents. Soon they were brawling.

"Uh should we do something?" Cyril gulped.

"I'd stay out of this one," Krieger advised.

"Don't think we forgot about you!" One of the Mounties attacked Carey.

"Hey! Stop punching my partner!" Stacey fought back.

"Oh, what the hell?" Ruby grumbled. "This day is shot anyway!" She then punched Coppercross and he fell down.

"Oh yeah! It's a brawl now! WHOOO HOO!" Billy Bob whooped as he and his wife started to fight with the other detectives. Soon all of the detectives were fighting as well.

"Way to go Pam!" Ray snapped as he used his bionic hand to knock one of the Mounties out.

"Oh, you love this and **you know** it!" Pam snapped as she punched out Sprocket.

"No, we don't!" Cyril shouted as he was tackled by Morrison. Surprisingly, Cyril was able to shake him off and knock him out with a punch. "Jeezy Pete! I must be getting better!"

"Nah," Lana said as she kicked an Interpol agent. "He looked like a lightweight."

"Hey at least he **hit **somebody!" Billy Bob pointed after he knocked Scrubs back.

"Shooom! SHOOOOOM!" Krieger did karate chop movements. "Yiaaah! YAH!"

"Don't ask," Pam groaned. A Mountie tried to knock her out with a chair but she punched him first.

"AAAHHHHH!" Ruby was on top of Coppercross who had managed to wake up. She was now beating him with her hands.

"Who can't handle a pummeling **now**, eh?" The Bartender was punching Nigel rather hard.

"As fun as this has been," Billy Bob said as he punched out an Interpol agent. "I'd rather not be on the wrong side of the jail cell, if you get my drift."

"Good idea!" Cyril said. Soon the Figgis Agency and the bounty hunters were running out into the parking lot. Leaving the rest of the agencies to brawl in the restaurant.

"That's a real fun place," Pam said as they went into the parking lot. "We should come back."

"If it's still standing," Cyril groaned.

"We should go," Lana gulped when she heard the sounds of sirens.

"Yeah," Ray said. "Nice meeting y'all!"

"You too!" Billy Bob nodded as the two agencies scattered to their vehicles.

About thirty minutes later…

"What a day! I can't believe we did all **that** for **nothing**!" Pam groaned as they returned to The Figgis Agency.

"We could have at least had some free shampoo and bedsheets," Krieger said. "But nooo! **Some people** had to be party poopers!"

"I can't believe we got away from a brawl we are technically responsible for," Lana groaned. "So much for increasing our reputation."

"Which is now even worse than before," Cyril groaned.

"I don't know," Pam said. "Those bounty hunters weren't all bad. At least they didn't have their heads up their asses."

"I tell you one thing," Ray grumbled as he plopped into a chair. "If that is how honest **respectable** detective agencies are supposed to work, count me **out!**"

"This has been a lousy day," Lana sighed as she sat down on the couch. "At least it can't get any dumber."

"I'm back!" Cheryl walked in.

"I stand corrected," Lana groaned.

"You're sitting Lana," Cheryl pointed out.

"Where have **you **been?" Cyril asked.

"Eliminating the competition," Cheryl told him.

"WHAT?" Everyone shouted.

"Here comes a visit from the arson squad," Pam groaned.

"Relax," Cheryl waved. "I did it legally and without fires."

"I don't believe it," Lana said.

"Neither do I," Cheryl agreed. "I mean it is so out of character for me. But I figured why not try something once?"

"To bad you don't have that attitude towards sobriety," Ray remarked. "What exactly did you do?"

"I shut down the detective agency that's ahead of us in the rankings," Cheryl said. "Legally. With no fires. I know. Saying it aloud it sounds weird but…"

"How?" Cyril asked, clearly stunned.

"It was easy," Cheryl waved. "Using my real estate and banking guys I learned that that Burkes and Law Detective Agency was in debt up to their eyeballs. I went to them with an offer and bought out their detective agency for twice of what it was worth. So now it's closed and I'm going to demolish that run-down office and put in a new paid parking lot to make money. Easy peasy."

"Wait, what about those people out of work?" Lana asked.

"It was just two old guys who were planning on retiring anyway," Cheryl scoffed. "All I did was give them five hundred grand each to close down. They were already packing for Santa Monica when I left."

"So now we're 21 out of 22?" Ray remarked. "Still not that much of a move Cheryl."

"It's still less competition," Cyril sighed. "We'll **take it!**"

"Great!" Ray said with fake cheerfulness. "Now all we have to do is for Cheryl to buy out and get rid of all the **other** detective agencies on that list!"

"I already thought of that," Cheryl sighed. "Bad news. Most of them said no. Except for the Farmington Wood Agency. They responded with a very strong maybe!"

"Let's keep our fingers crossed, shall we?" Ray sighed. Cheryl grinned and crossed her fingers.

"I can't believe I'm saying this," Lana was stunned. "But Cheryl you actually **did **something productive today. That helped the agency. And **didn't** break the law!"

"I know!" Cheryl grinned. "It feels kind of weird. In a good way."

"At least **something good** happened today," Cyril sighed as he turned on the television. "Oh look…The brawl we started made the news."

The reporter Darlene Love was on screen. "Nobody knows exactly what started the brawl between several members of different detective and law enforcement agencies," She reported. "But the end result were three people put in the hospital, some broken property, several arrests and at least eleven deportations."

"Oh, you know they're going to blame us for **this**," Cyril moaned.

"Let's stay away from Canada for a while," Ray winced.

"Lucky we're still banned from there," Krieger nodded.

"I don't think Interpol will be too happy with us," Lana winced as she saw a shot of Nigel and his group being arrested as well.

"Again, we're blacklisted anyway from spy work…" Krieger shrugged.

"What happened?" Cheryl asked.

"I'll tell you later," Pam sighed. "Long story."

"Long stupid story," Cyril grumbled.

"One of **those?"** Cheryl groaned.

"Oh yeah," Ray nodded.

"Also arrested was one Laura Ruby from the Farmington Wood Detective Agency…" Darlene reported. "Which is tied into our next story…The raid by the FBI and the IRS on the Farmington Wood Detective Agency…"

"_What?"_ Lana did a double take.

Darlene reported. "The Farmington Wood Detective Agency which has operated out of Los Angeles and in five other major cities for the past nineteen years, is accused of insider trading, tax evasion, conspiracy, wire fraud, and ties to drug trafficking."

"Wilson Farmington The Second was arrested today along with several board members," Darlene reported over the footage of several men being arrested. "It has also been revealed that some of the agency's dealings were tied into secret CIA drugs for arms projects."

"WHAT?" Everyone else shouted. Except suspiciously, Krieger. He just sat quietly trying to look innocent.

"When reached for comment the CIA refused," Darlene remarked. "Saying that this evidence whatever it was, was flimsy at best. However, the authorities at the IRS have declared that based on the evidence…It's not."

"Oh, my freaking lady balls," Pam whistled.

"Wow the CIA really put their foot in it this time," Lana remarked.

"More like both feet," Ray remarked. "And up to their waists!"

"As of today, Farmington Wood Detective Agency has been closed," Darlene reported. "And it's assets have been seized by the government."

"Well I'm certainly _not_ buying that company now," Cheryl scoffed.

"Hang on," Cyril said. "We had nothing to do with this one, right? It didn't say it was part of the Long Water Scam or anything."

"No, it didn't," Lana realized. "Oh my God…"

"A scandal happened at a rival agency and we had **nothing** to do with it!" Pam realized.

"Uhh…" Krieger paused.

FLASHBACK TO A FEW NIGHTS AGO…

"Wow Mitsuko," Krieger looked over several papers. "This is a lot of incriminating evidence."

"Hai-ya," Mitsuko nodded as she floated next to Krieger. "Best of all we get to take down a rival detective agency. Make your agency look better."

"Hang on," Krieger paused. "Do I really want to destroy a rival detective agency just to get petty revenge on the CIA? I mean the answer is obviously yes but…"

"Don't worry," Mitsuko waved. "See what's on those files? They're not exactly innocent."

"That's true," Krieger nodded. "Okay time to leak this information secretly to the authorities. Like the IRS. Man, those guys really have a rivalry with the CIA for some reason."

FLASHFORWARD TO NOW.

"Yup, yup, yup," Krieger nodded. "We had **nothing** to do with what happened at Farmington Wood. **Nothing**!"

"Well that's just dumb luck," Pam said.

"Let's call it that," Krieger nodded.

"Wow," Pam snickered. "That Ruby bitch is not having a good day!"

"But we're having a pretty good one! We've moved up to 20 out of 22," Cyril realized. "We're not the worst! We're not even **second worst**!"

"We're moving **up** in the world!" Pam grinned.

"Well we couldn't move any further **down**," Ray remarked.

"You'd be surprised," Krieger shrugged.


End file.
